Settle in, kids. It’s time for another chapter of my life saga. This one’s extra fun because it doesn’t even have an ending yet. It’s basically a cliffhanger from the Lord.
The First-Grade Career Crisis That Started It All
I decided I wanted to be a teacher when I was in 1st grade after a traumatic encounter with a peer who took one look at my Career Day costume and informed me that being a vet didn’t solely focus on playing with animals all day.
I wavered in my career choice exactly two times:
- I got tired of dressing up as a teacher in 6th grade and mixed it up by dressing as a librarian instead.
Did I wear the exact same outfit I would’ve worn if I’d dressed up as a teacher? Yes.
Did people say I was a teacher all day? Also yes. - I was really into Trading Spaces in the early 2000s, so I decided I’d be an interior designer. Then my father reminded me that I insisted on painting my room purple and neon green, so my design choices weren’t exactly… good.
I graduated with a degree in elementary education in 2012. Spent a couple of years teaching special education, moved to a regular classroom position in 2014, and became the school librarian in 2022 (shoutout to 6th grade me for that prophetic costume choice).
I got a master’s degree in special education in 2017 and a second master’s in 2022 in library media and technology. Ya girl was committed to the bit.
My Educator Era (When I Thought I’d Be Here Forever)
Teaching wasn’t easy before COVID, and it only got harder in the wake of a global pandemic. But the challenges never really phased me. Sure, there were things that irritated and frustrated me. Parents would blame me for things that were out of my control. Kids would make questionable choices that either made me laugh or drive me to the brink of insanity.
But I loved my job.
I walked into my classroom each morning not knowing what silliness would transpire. Would I accidentally shoot liquid glue onto the ceiling during a science experiment? Would a kid dare herself to tie her shoelaces to her belt loops while she used the bathroom and then have a mild panic attack when she couldn’t get her pants up?
Only the Lord knew what each day would bring.
Teachers were leaving the profession in droves and while I didn’t really blame them, I just knew that would never be me.
When I transitioned from the classroom to the library in 2022, I literally turned it into my little home away from home because I fully planned on being there until retirement or until Jesus came back. Like… I had a kitchenette.
If there had been a bathroom attached, I would’ve become a full-time library goblin and never left.
I hope the Lord got a good chuckle from my plans.
The Plot Twist I Never Asked For
In 2024 things started changing. I didn’t notice it at first, but one day a kid looked at me and asked if I was depressed because I didn’t laugh anymore.
If you ever want to know the truth about something? Ask a kid.
I realized I didn’t love my job anymore. I’d walk in dreading whatever new horrors waited for me each day.
It got so bad that my doctor put me on anxiety medicine just to get me through the school year.
I thought maybe the Lord just wanted me to move to a new school, but He blocked any door I tried to go through.
So I applied to work for the Savannah Bananas.
The clear and obvious choice for a gal trying to blaze a new trail.
They brought me on board, and I thought the Lord had plopped me down in a literal dream job situation. I felt like myself again. The work wasn’t easy, but it didn’t matter because I loved what I was doing. I began dreaming of moving to Savannah and making a life with the silly little dancing baseball team.
Once again, I hope the Lord laughed at my plans… while wearing a Bananas jersey.
Turns out it’s really hard to work for a traveling baseball team where you leave on Wednesday… get home on Monday… rinse and repeat…
while also raising two dogs and a demon cleverly disguised as a cat.
So I had to leave my Banana Land dreams to rot.
The Wilderness Season
I was so mad at the Lord for giving me a glimpse of a life that I so desperately wanted to dive into, then leaving me with no clue what to do next.
Oh, and with no job to return to even if I wanted to go back to my library lair because I had already resigned from my job at school.
And that’s where I’m at today.
Trying to dive through any door I can, only to run face-first into all of them because the Lord has those doors locked tight. Trying to give up any control I might think I have and submit to His will. Trying to be patient while I wait for Him to open the right door.
I wish I could say this has been a sweet season of sitting at the feet of Jesus, learning more about Him, and growing in my faith. Some days that’s true.
But a lot of days?
It’s full-on spiritual warfare.
There’s a lot of shame, fear, and anxiety swirling around in my brain.
Have I made a big mistake?
Was I being obedient by leaving education or just impulsive?
What are people saying about me?
I know these questions and feelings are Satan trying to steal, kill, and destroy. But some days it’s a lot easier to let them win the battle than try to fight against them.
The one thing keeping me together in this season is my daily time in Scripture. I’m thankful the Lord has spent the last few years training me to have quality time with Him each day because I would’ve abandoned the cause long ago if He hadn’t.
Just like the Israelites who wandered in the wilderness, I have to go collect my daily manna or I’m going to get really holy hangry.
Don’t get it twisted. I don’t always leave the table feeling that peace that exceeds all understanding. There are days when I roll my eyes at what I read because how in the world could God let this happen to me?
Some days I’m not even sure if my faith is the size of a mustard seed.
Living in the Holy Cliffhanger
I don’t know how long I’ll be (stuck) in this season. But I do know the Lord has a plan for me, and He will work all things out for my good and His glory.
So here I am — living inside a holy cliffhanger with zero spoilers from the Author.
While I wait (sort of patiently) for a door to open, you can catch me trying to remember Exodus 14:14:
“The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.”
Chaotically Devoted 